The Power of Listening in Relationships

By Jennifer Machado, LMFT — Couples Therapy in San Francisco

When couples come to therapy, it’s often because they’re struggling to connect. They arrive carrying frustration, confusion, and emotional distance. One of the first things I introduce in our work together is the practice of reflective listening — a cornerstone of healthy communication in relationships.

This simple yet powerful skill helps partners move beyond defensiveness and toward empathy. Over time, I’ve seen how truly listening can soften tension, rebuild trust, and open the door to understanding. Often, no solution or apology is even needed — because the real repair happens when someone finally feels heard.

Understanding, after all, isn’t the same as agreeing — it’s about seeing the world through your partner’s eyes.

What Is Reflective Listening?

Reflective listening is more than nodding along or waiting for your turn to speak. It’s the practice of listening with full attention, reflecting back what you hear, and checking that you’ve understood correctly.

When used consistently, this technique helps couples:

• De-escalate conflict before it spirals.

• Communicate emotions without blame.

• Feel safer expressing vulnerability.

• Strengthen emotional connection and trust.

The Speaker–Listener Exercise

This structured exercise is one of the most effective tools I use in couples therapy sessions and recommend for at-home practice. It’s simple but requires commitment and respect for each role.

1. Choose roles: One partner is the Speaker, the other the Listener.

2. Stick to your role: Don’t switch midway — take turns when you’re done.

3. Follow the rules: Each role has clear boundaries that help create safety and understanding.

The Speaker’s Role

Your goal is to express what you feel and need — not to assign blame or diagnose your partner’s behavior.

Guidelines for the Speaker:

• No blaming or name-calling.

• Focus on one issue at a time.

• Speak from personal experience (“I feel…”) rather than accusation (“You always…”).

• Use feeling words to describe your emotions.

Example:

🟢 “When I come home and all the lights are off, I feel forgotten and uncared for.”

🔴 “When I come home and all the lights are off, it feels like you don’t care about me.”

The difference? The first statement focuses on your emotions, which invites empathy instead of defensiveness.

The Listener’s Role

Listening may sound easy — but real listening takes restraint, humility, and empathy.

Guidelines for the Listener:

• Reflect back what you hear, word for word if possible.

• Ask open-ended questions for clarification.

• Offer empathy, not explanations.

• Avoid interrupting, defending, or problem-solving.

Example:

🟢 “So what I’m hearing is that when you come home and the lights are off, you feel forgotten and uncared for. Is that right?”

🔴 “So what I’m hearing is that you think I don’t care about you when I forget to turn on the lights.”

That small wording change can make a big difference. The goal is to stay focused on your partner’s emotional experience rather than your own behavior.

Why This Practice Works

When couples use reflective listening, they shift from reaction to connection. The Listener strengthens emotional tolerance by resisting the urge to fix or defend, while the Speaker feels seen and validated.

This process builds emotional safety — the foundation for all healthy relationships. It allows partners to say, “I may not agree, but I understand.”

Over time, this practice reduces reactivity, increases empathy, and transforms how you navigate conflict.

Try It at Home

If you’d like to experiment with this at home, start small: choose a low-stakes topic, set a timer for five minutes each, and focus only on listening and reflecting. You’ll likely notice a change in tone, connection, and compassion almost immediately.

This exercise draws from Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, and is a cornerstone of the work I do with couples in therapy.

If you’re ready to learn more about improving communication, rebuilding trust, and deepening connection, consider reaching out for couples therapy in San Francisco.

💬 Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?

At Jennifer Machado Marriage & Family Therapy, I help couples move from conflict to clarity through evidence-based communication tools and emotionally focused work.

Based in San Francisco and serving clients across California

Contact me to schedule a consultation or learn more about how therapy can support your relationship.